Original artwork, Original poetry

Shaky Grounds

The whole existence evaporated between the cracks
Of the tattered and overheated shaky grounds
Just by looking at him and how he silently reacts
She could predict the explosions of vibrational sounds

She fell in between the cracks and pulled their future with her
While his screams sealed the ground with her resistance
Shaken to her core by just the slightest vibrational stir
She couldn’t find her way back despite their child’s insistence

All she wanted was to escape from the blisters and burns
The emotional lava had left on her body and mind
Her eyes so scared it clouded what her heart so clearly yearns
An ever-present peace -and joy of the true reality behind

In realising she was bruised , he showed his remorse and regret
He never intended to shatter their souls with his vibrational sounds
His being then offered a bride to a truth he never before had said
Bringing hope and love back to life, despite living on shaky grounds

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

The Key to Love

The mass awareness of love is built on this belief
That love is something to seek on the outside
And that this love is the cause of our agony and grief

It is so crazy how many of us spend our lives searching
For the key to intimacy with another being
When this kind of ‘love’ is so unfulfilled and lurching

We lost touch with our deepest nature and truth
That without our mind’s stories of ‘what should have been’
We would live each moment fulfilled with no need to soothe

In realising we are sole owners of our own making
We see the pain we convince our self another is causing
Is not the truth, that they are only partaking

Partaking in the vibrational frequency, WE are creating
Our unconsciousness projects it outward
And only feels complete in this surface relation

But as long as we only identify with this surface shell
Who thinks it has to have something from others
We create our own dungeon; we create our own hell

Being unable to see the truth for the encapsulating smoke
We do not realise we are not victims of circumstances
That we are not an uninvited guest, nor a beggar or a joke

Being fully human takes a lot of courage and trust in the Divine
But in moments of losing faith, we forget the essential
That honouring truth will bring forward a life more than ‘just fine’

In awakening to love, the essence in another is all we are seeing
Judging no one and needing nothing else than what is
Surrendering to life creates true love amongst every being

The separated, crying, longing, depressed shell of a soul
Then transforms through the pain into a deeper beautiful being
In realising oneness, we’ll finally be fulfilled, blissful and whole

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

When?

When will I start writing about the light in my heart?
When will I start drawing smiley faces, like a joyful Christmas card?

When will I surround my children with a warm and grounded presence?
When will I stop being dissociated and out of touch with my essence?

When will I find happiness and peace in the depth of my heart?
When will I realise that every moment represents a new start?

When will I stop feeling choked by this mental infection?
When will I learn just to show myself some affection?

When will I realise I am not to avoid the pain of predicament?
When will I stop diminishing myself in this mental imprisonment?

When will I learn to take care of my separated heart without drugs?
When will I realise my mental rehab needs more love than just hugs?

When will I know whether this inner pain will stay or be gone?
When will I surrender my heart to all, not just some?

When will I begin to feel alive, vibrant and joyful again?
When will my ‘when’ be a ‘now’ and not ‘then’?

When will I be fully me, fulfilled, shining, loving and free?
When will I need nothing more than what my heart can see?

When will my painted faces smile with ecstasy?
When will heart light be my only lived reality?

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Expectations

So much sadness inside my embodied being
You have no idea the amount of pain I’m freeing
And through this, you expect me to be social and free
While emotional disturbances are eating the inside of me!

How can’t you see my well of bottomless despair
That I am so broken beyond repair?
You want me to contribute to a life of more than just surviving
Don’t you see, it presupposes me being peaceful and thriving?

It’s like these traumatic times in the world of outside
Resonates in my being, like I live through this vibe
And in this, I try to find acceptance and peace
That my life was never meant to be lived with ease

But it triggers me whenever you suggest I should be more
When you can see, I can’t hardly raise myself up from the floor
“You never do anything nice for me, and I always have to give”
Is that your narrative of the life you want to live?

A victim game of who has the most unfulfilled expectation
Is this truly how you want us to have a relation?
Why can’t you accept we shouldn’t continue feeding this pain?
Please, realise I only ask for your help so I won’t go insane!

It is so hard to live life on the edge of succeeding
Caring for someone else’s need, who keeps your wounds bleeding
When voices inside my head keep on saying: “you are not good enough”
Makes it, when you also say it, excruciating tough!

Please know, I would prefer not to have these emotional reactions
To be whole and grounded instead of split into fractions
But life throughs me down these steep hills of depression
So instead of moving forward, I go into regression!

Trust me, I don’t mean to blame you or say you are wrong
And I don’t mean to ask for strength when you’re not feeling strong
But please stop your stories of me and of how I should be
And accept my bounded life despite yours being free!

Accept my heavy sadness covering my bliss and being
And trust that I am more than what your eyes are seeing
Please stop your projections, reactions and constraint
Life is so much bigger than these dark colours we paint!

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

It’s just Breadcrumbs!

Hit by your nagging and disturbed perception
So what if there is a little mess, some crumbs on the table?
Some bowls which need cleaning, a messy cable?
Our home is not a sterile doctor’s reception

We get so bruised by your OCD anxiety attack
Your irritation and anger fuel the air with a toxic smoke
You force us to close the windows, to prepare for a stroke
When I want out, you overrule me, and you force me right back

It is so overpowering, so destructive in its essence
It saddens me you only see the dirt and messy living
Instead of all the love and beauty, we are giving
How many ‘meltdowns’ before you’ve learned your lesson?

I have had it with your small-mindedness and your dilution
What you give your energy to is just so small seen from our true state
In this world of wonder, you only on the breadcrumbs fixate
I wish you could laugh at yourself and your unconscious confusion

May your uneasy mind find rest from this unnecessary evil
And may all the mess and breadcrumbs of this life manifested
Bring transformation and peace to your mind so infested
Crumbs or people, we are your teachers; embrace the upheaval!

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

The Victim Game

So, this is how we communicate now? On public forums as the place?
It is so easy, isn’t it? When in real life, you show a totally different face!

Your beautiful words, “I see you, I love you”, turn into a comedy
when in real life, you can’t handle my vulnerability!

Despite accepting that what has happened has been a shock
You tell me to get over it – to suck it up!

“Get over yourself – being alone with the kids was hard on me too”
Is this now a competition? Is this how you want me to meet you?

Yes, it was hard- your brain clearly showed you couldn’t handle the strain
But in scolding me for sharing my heart – what are you trying to gain?

Seeing you become defensive and judgmental to the bone
when being vulnerable myself makes my heart small and turn into stone!

When sharing with you my fantasies of being alone or running away
it is only ‘course I long for you to hold me and say that things will be okay

You can’t force my feelings away with anger or spiritual dissonancy
They persist as long as you deny to hold them in real life’s poetry

I just long for you to show me that you can see and understand
When I can’t communicate in words, that you can just “BE” with what I am

But you get angry and hurt, blaming and defending instead
“you don’t see me – and I don’t need to share what is in my head”

You try to fix me by telling me to be with what IS – find the strength to stay
But when my life is bleeding, on so many levels, you run away…

And I don’t need you to fix me or give me space – it just shows you don’t understand
what my heart longs for in a relationship with MAN

‘BE present’ is not the same as suppressing the ghosts from the past
REAL change happens when we are soft, loving and vast

You don’t seem to get that when my system broke
It was not just caused by the shock of you having a stroke!

Don’t let your own guilt tell me that I am stuck in a moment that has been!
It is the challenges of coping with everyone’s frustration that leave me struggling!

It is not either because I am ‘on a constant mission’ – your words, not mine!
BE present yourself, BE love and compassion – and I might feel fine!

You see, that is why I tell you that you don’t see me through
The moment is NOW and has nothing to do with you!

You are not the main character in the story of my life!
I am alone on my journey as me, a mother and wife!

I wish I could travel on that journey with you holding my hand
But how is that possible with my feelings being banned?

I do see the lights that we are, but don’t reject my shadow of reflection
It will not advance our love’s ecological succession

We are both playing the victim game when not being fully aware
That the support and love we long for is already here!

(This poem is a reply to another blogger’s poem “Be Present” and was created about 1.5 years back. Besides the eulogy to my father, It was the first poem written after a 20-year-old break in writing poetry, and just like my earliest creations, inspired by a very challenging time of my life).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Loosening the Rope

Ten years ago, I found my father dead
Standing with his back towards me
With a rope around his neck

Ten years have passed since I found him this way
Standing with the rope around him
That still strangles me today

For ten years, I’ve lived with this closure in my being
From a shock, preventing me from sensing pain
But also from sensing smell, a sense so freeing

Ten years of losing life and light of love
May I now be healed, please
May love again shine through me from above

For ten years, I’ve lived with this frozen energy relation
It’s now time to lose the rope
and breath into a deeper joyful energy vibration!

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

In Memory of my Father

A eulogy to my father. This December it is now ten years ago my father committed suicide by hanging. This poem/ video tribute was my way of processing the pain, as well as sending my love and goodbye to him; A goodbye his sudden death never gave me a chance to say.

Credit for music: Osho & 4 Non Blondes

© 2021 Original artwork and poetry by heartlightpoetry. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Illusionary You

I have to throw up
Throw up all that I have inside
Throw up all my feelings!

Never shall I eat again
Eat the sadness of expectations
The sadness of an illusionary you!

All the time I’m breathing in my thoughts
My beliefs, breathing in my visions
I want to stop breathing all these feelings!

Never again shall I turn victimised
Victimised in the situation of you and I
An illusion that hurts me all the time

So I have to throw up
Throw up all I have inside
For every day, I’ve been fooled!

Then again I shall breathe in
All that I see is pure in me
And so release the illusion of you!

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Blind Way

I’m crying
You turn your eyes
I’m hurting
You laugh, I die
I’m bleeding
Forever inside!

Our love is walking
On a blind way…

I’m screaming
But can’t escape my pain
You’re laughing
I must be going insane
Have I ever felt this way?
You are scaring me

But I’ll stay with you
On the blind way…

I’m crying
You turn your eye
I’m hurting
You laugh, I die!
Can’t give up my fight
Please tell me how to walk away

How to walk away
From the blind way…

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.