I know you don’t want contact ‘Cause you’re going through your own stuff But being without you also feels rough After being in presence, after opening up
Why do you feel the need to retreat Can’t you be open when being in need? This pattern of being all and then non Is a pattern we share, but it’s not very fun
What does it take to undo this imprint of relating So I no longer live my life longing and waiting? I need to deeply realise that you are just a projection That in truth, you are nothing but my own reflection
I know you don’t wanna hear from me ‘Cause your life fills you up But I am walking around alone in the night Longing to tell you my heart is in shock That I am encaged with sadness and fright
It pains me you vanished when I needed you here To share how much hurt he has caused me That it saddens my heart, that it’s too hard to bear But you’re oblivious to what you can’t feel or see What does this mean? Do you really not care?
The feelings of falling short echoes through my mind When your presence is so disturbed and mistuned I am penetrated with a feeling that you do not care No longer present or with my heart attuned Not sure if I any longer your absence can bear
I know I my own presence must find To take care of the hurt penetrating my being To let go of the idea that you should come to my rescue That it is my own love for myself and my sons that is freeing The aversions, the longing, the soul-pain tattoo
So I am walking at night with my son in my hand Kissed by the mild wind and the soft sound of the waves Don’t really want to go back to our home At sea, I feel free; back there, I’m encaged ‘Cause at home his madness turn my being to stone
The lesson is now how to stay free and strong Through the fire and fury, he puts me through And how not to lose touch of my own blissful being Even in the absence, I so clearly feel from you That I am the one my heart longs to be seeing
You destroy our love with your anger and rage Your damaged mind keep me encaged You force me to leave and force me to stay Force me to listen, to look, to obey
Your anger so violently perfuses my space My heart closes down while you argue your case Screaming, demanding, but in truth falling short A master of destruction while you bring me to court
Asking me to justify a lifetime of hurt and unfairness Your victimhood story on repeat without any awareness I don’t want your pain, anger and frustration under my skin I am not your perpetrator, your enemy, your mental bin
Your powerful energies of destruction get trapped In my body as hardness, my lifeforce gets tapped It activates so much fear in my mind, and being Your destructive energies are all that I am seeing
I run away to let the wind of peace blow my fears away But when I return home ‘the angry Hulk’ shows his dismay In a blink of an eye, you raise your hand in furry and fire A scary scene from my life filled with sadness, fear and dire
You chase me through the darkness, and I can’t get away Like a horror movie, you hunt me down and force me to stay Screams like a psycho lost all control and sense of decency Your anger and fury is the cause of my heart’s vacancy
Beneath your anger, I do know there is sorrow and sadness But please stop blaming me for all your mental madness Stop forcing me to be a certain way to please your will Keep acting this way, and my affection and love, you will kill!
Paralysed when I don’t hear from you My words of insecurity I can’t undo Tough as concrete but nothing new You are not just one but quite a few!
The story is the same with many different faces But seeing it in you, I can’t look at other places I want you back in my life, as with my presence When will I fully be love? Be fully my essence?
Will you come back and be my heart’s vocation? Or must I stay forever in this prison of penalisation? Or is my freedom in the ‘not escaping’ sensation? Life is freedom if not lived in paralysing separation
In longing for oneness, I see I long for you ‘man’ who can open my being; is it something you can? And can I let you love me fully into fluidity once again? Then my love will expand without being sprained
I often wonder if my longing for hearing from you Could be healed just by deeply knowing my blue In reality, is a gateway to my heartbeating’s glue Realising being with myself IS to be with you too
So here I am again, thrown off the carousel of love Lying here on my own with bruises no one knows of Why was I not able to hold on to this magnificent ride? I melted in your sweetness, was ready to pay the price
And even though I am now experienced in these hard crash landings I still believe I fell with a dizzy head full of misunderstandings And I believe, if I could just find clarity deep within my heart We would still be on the ride together, not being separate, apart
But when I listen to the intuition of my soul and being I know there’s something deep within I keep myself from seeing And If I could just make the prison guards of my heart look away I would ride the carousel of love with you again one day
Little man and little woman Longing for recognition from one another “Tell me I am pretty, tell me you love me“ And dare you take those words away from me
Little man and little woman So much out of yourself, you have lost all power Lost yourself in the other Reducing yourself to half a heart
Little man and little woman So ignorant of your own immense power So swirled up in the belief of half Lost touch with your wholeness of being
Little man and little woman How can you love one another if your heart is half? How can love flow from your being if you are not present? If you are wrapped up in stories of yesterday?
Little man and little woman Don’t reduce yourself to such little people Don’t do to yourself what your perpetrators did to you Be the one you always wished would save you
Little man and little woman Why not realize your immense beauty and power? Why not recognize that you deep down are fulfilled? That you are the one you have been looking for?
Little man and little woman It is time to realize that you are not such little people Realize that you are the unconditionally loving presence let this knowing penetrate all your layers of bewilderment
Little man and little woman Stop living these small lives Fall deeper into being You are the miracles of greatness!
Violet flames you burn all that’s unloved so I again can rise above The stuck, fragmented and shoved, transforming pain into your love Your violet flame has my being perfused, infusing me with a radiant truth That all I hold on to in bringing feelings of sooth, it is now time to truly undo Violet flames you are transforming my frights, into the sacred of all holy lights I am burning to ashes my will and my frights, no longer scared of evil and heights No longer letting my-self being bruised; no longer letting my-self be reduced In your violet fire, I am seduced to live with your powerful truth perfused No longer reducing myself to a peasant, in truth I am love and light in your essence Violet flames in your evanescence, I am transformed in the light of your presence
Something sits so deep within, I can’t escape the feeling That it’s my fault that he’s in pain, that I obstruct his healing That I am the cause of all his sadness, anger, pain and stress If only I could be more love, more perfect, he would find rest
It is like deep within ‘my little child’ has this ‘mental stain’ Convinced that it is her fault her parents are in pain Convinced that if she just were better her mother wouldn’t leave Her father wouldn’t be depressed, and he would not retrieve
The trauma of abandonment has created this illusion of the mind A story of imperfections and rejections that I seem unable to rewind Unable to untangle me from my own and his illusions I feed the beast of separateness with narratives of confusions
But when I feel deep within, not trying to escape the feeling The confusion vanishes and reveals an opportunity for healing To see that it’s not my imperfections that are the root course To other beings’ vibrational pain of losing contact with ‘the source’