Original poetry, Original artwork

When?

When will I start writing about the light in my heart?
When will I start drawing smiley faces, like a joyful Christmas card?

When will I surround my children with a warm and grounded presence?
When will I stop being dissociated and out of touch with my essence?

When will I find happiness and peace in the depth of my heart?
When will I realise that every moment represents a new start?

When will I stop feeling choked by this mental infection?
When will I learn just to show myself some affection?

When will I realise I am not to avoid the pain of predicament?
When will I stop diminishing myself in this mental imprisonment?

When will I learn to take care of my separated heart without drugs?
When will I realise my mental rehab needs more love than just hugs?

When will I know whether this inner pain will stay or be gone?
When will I surrender my heart to all, not just some?

When will I begin to feel alive, vibrant and joyful again?
When will my ‘when’ be a ‘now’ and not ‘then’?

When will I be fully me, fulfilled, shining, loving and free?
When will I need nothing more than what my heart can see?

When will my painted faces smile with ecstasy?
When will heart light be my only lived reality?

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

The Victim Game

So, this is how we communicate now? On public forums as the place?
It is so easy, isn’t it? When in real life, you show a totally different face!

Your beautiful words, “I see you, I love you”, turn into a comedy
when in real life, you can’t handle my vulnerability!

Despite accepting that what has happened has been a shock
You tell me to get over it – to suck it up!

“Get over yourself – being alone with the kids was hard on me too”
Is this now a competition? Is this how you want me to meet you?

Yes, it was hard- your brain clearly showed you couldn’t handle the strain
But in scolding me for sharing my heart – what are you trying to gain?

Seeing you become defensive and judgmental to the bone
when being vulnerable myself makes my heart small and turn into stone!

When sharing with you my fantasies of being alone or running away
it is only ‘course I long for you to hold me and say that things will be okay

You can’t force my feelings away with anger or spiritual dissonancy
They persist as long as you deny to hold them in real life’s poetry

I just long for you to show me that you can see and understand
When I can’t communicate in words, that you can just “BE” with what I am

But you get angry and hurt, blaming and defending instead
“you don’t see me – and I don’t need to share what is in my head”

You try to fix me by telling me to be with what IS – find the strength to stay
But when my life is bleeding, on so many levels, you run away…

And I don’t need you to fix me or give me space – it just shows you don’t understand
what my heart longs for in a relationship with MAN

‘BE present’ is not the same as suppressing the ghosts from the past
REAL change happens when we are soft, loving and vast

You don’t seem to get that when my system broke
It was not just caused by the shock of you having a stroke!

Don’t let your own guilt tell me that I am stuck in a moment that has been!
It is the challenges of coping with everyone’s frustration that leave me struggling!

It is not either because I am ‘on a constant mission’ – your words, not mine!
BE present yourself, BE love and compassion – and I might feel fine!

You see, that is why I tell you that you don’t see me through
The moment is NOW and has nothing to do with you!

You are not the main character in the story of my life!
I am alone on my journey as me, a mother and wife!

I wish I could travel on that journey with you holding my hand
But how is that possible with my feelings being banned?

I do see the lights that we are, but don’t reject my shadow of reflection
It will not advance our love’s ecological succession

We are both playing the victim game when not being fully aware
That the support and love we long for is already here!

(This poem is a reply to another blogger’s poem “Be Present” and was created about 1.5 years back. Besides the eulogy to my father, It was the first poem written after a 20-year-old break in writing poetry, and just like my earliest creations, inspired by a very challenging time of my life).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Illusionary You

I have to throw up
Throw up all that I have inside
Throw up all my feelings!

Never shall I eat again
Eat the sadness of expectations
The sadness of an illusionary you!

All the time I’m breathing in my thoughts
My beliefs, breathing in my visions
I want to stop breathing all these feelings!

Never again shall I turn victimised
Victimised in the situation of you and I
An illusion that hurts me all the time

So I have to throw up
Throw up all I have inside
For every day, I’ve been fooled!

Then again I shall breathe in
All that I see is pure in me
And so release the illusion of you!

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Sorry, Thank You

Sorry for the tears you didn’t understand
For the feelings that were too far from land
For the love, you weren’t ready to receive
For being only in your own belief

Sorry for realising you were not right
Sorry for the pain I didn’t see, or have denied
Can’t see clearly for the tear in my eye
We both know it’s time to say goodbye

Thank you for the tears you took in
For the feelings, you didn’t judge as a sin
For the love, you were ready to give
For the love, you were ready to receive

Thank you for trying even though I had to go
For filling my heart and letting it grow
Please tell me I won’t fait in your heart
That we’ll be together even though we’ll be apart

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Blind Way

I’m crying
You turn your eyes
I’m hurting
You laugh, I die
I’m bleeding
Forever inside!

Our love is walking
On a blind way…

I’m screaming
But can’t escape my pain
You’re laughing
I must be going insane
Have I ever felt this way?
You are scaring me

But I’ll stay with you
On the blind way…

I’m crying
You turn your eye
I’m hurting
You laugh, I die!
Can’t give up my fight
Please tell me how to walk away

How to walk away
From the blind way…

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Cold Man

If you don’t accept it’s your life
You’ll never get what you want
Never feel satisfied with what you have
With me in your life or not, you’ll be sad

When accepting things as they are
They are actually not so bad
If you always want more than you have
You’ll only be lonely and sad…

Being cold only makes it worse
You hurt yourself as much as me
Believe in yourself and your life
Set your happiness free!

Inside you know you are cold
Believing it’s the only way to survive
Stop running away from yourself
Don’t let your words be a lie!

Why punish me for your dissatisfaction
Please realise it’s not me but you
I’m sorry when things have been hard
But only you can change what you do!

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Fear

I’m so tired I could cry
I’m so hurt by your denial
Hurt ‘cause you didn’t see the tear in my eye?
Tired because my dreams are flying too high?

Oh, I’m so lonely here with you
I don’t know what I want you to do
I don’t know what I am doing wrong
And how I can keep going on being strong?

I’m stressed ‘cause of fear
And I can’t have you near
Have to live life on my own
With you, you know, I’m too alone…

Have fantasies of us together alone in a prison cell
And where the key is only I can tell
Maybe then you can see my tear
Maybe then I can accept my fear?

Maybe then I can let you come near
And you and I will become so clear
I will be awake all life long
And have no fear of going on…

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Next time

Next time
I’ll stand naked before your eyes
Vulnerable and strong
Have no more room for hidden cries!

An old picture changed
I couldn’t stand the pain
Through it way…

I can’t stand this pain
Put me in my old chain
If just you hadn’t asked me home
Then I wouldn’t have had to see my picture
In a brand-new frame…

I can’t take this fame!
I’m a master at this game…

But next time
I’ll stand naked before your eyes
Vulnerable and strong
I’ll end this game revealing my cries!

No more lies, no more cries
I’ll leave this game
Forget my fame…

Free from pain!

(This poem is from an old collection of mine. It was written in 2003 and was the last poem written in my youth (from 1998-2003). Originally the drawing had a title ”Why don’t you want me?”, which reflected the deep feeling of neglect and loneliness I experienced through my youth).

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.

Original artwork, Original poetry

Sometimes

Sometimes ‘sorry’ isn’t good enough
It’s just a word to say when you don’t know what else to do
But what can I do with your words
When my words can’t get through to you?

Sometimes I just need you to hold me
Hold me tight like you never let me go
I want to be the only one for you
But there are many others, I know

Sometimes I fear the future
Will it be alone, or will it be with you
I know I must forgive the past
But how? Please tell me what to do

Sometimes I cry lonely tears
I wonder why ‘cause you are near
Or is it just my imagination?
Perhaps the truth is what I fear?

Sometimes ‘sorry’ can’t heal my heart
I try to forgive but don’t know what to do
‘Cause I don’t trust you anymore
Though I love you, why can’t you love me too?

© 2021 Original artwork and poetry by heartlightpoetry. All rights reserved.

(This poem is from an old collection of mine, written in my late teens/ early twenties during the time of the new millennium).

Original artwork, Original poetry

Healing the Layers Within

I can feel there are layers within me I just can’t reach
Layers of deep sadness there just won’t cease

Even though the outer layers are calm and collected
The deepest layer feels so frightened and unprotected

It longs to feel the sweetness of being
In all I am embracing, feeling and seeing

The sweet nectar of love, union and bliss
Now chocolate and sugar are the replacement for this

Unfortunately, this sweetness doesn’t last very long
And leaves me more empty and depressed after on

Indulging in this artificial and addictive behaviour
I have to deeply realise this is not my true saviour

And dare to feel the deep layers of hurt and hardness
To live my life truthfully in softness and vastness

To not escape the heavy prison of the unsettled mind
But transform it into the loving light and the bliss that is behind

Then even the deepest layer will not be captive of the dungeon’s fiction
And I can start living fully again despite pain, mental struggle and friction

I’ll fall deeper and deeper into the space of the heart
And let every layer of my being fall lovingly apart

Returning to oneness will be the faith of my soul
I’ll finally be healed, blissful and whole!

© 2022 Original painting and poetry by heartlight.blog. All rights reserved.