So, this is how we communicate now? On public forums as the place?
It is so easy, isn’t it? When in real life, you show a totally different face!
Your beautiful words, “I see you, I love you”, turn into a comedy
when in real life, you can’t handle my vulnerability!
Despite accepting that what has happened has been a shock
You tell me to get over it – to suck it up!
“Get over yourself – being alone with the kids was hard on me too”
Is this now a competition? Is this how you want me to meet you?
Yes, it was hard- your brain clearly showed you couldn’t handle the strain
But in scolding me for sharing my heart – what are you trying to gain?
Seeing you become defensive and judgmental to the bone
when being vulnerable myself makes my heart small and turn into stone!
When sharing with you my fantasies of being alone or running away
it is only ‘course I long for you to hold me and say that things will be okay
You can’t force my feelings away with anger or spiritual dissonancy
They persist as long as you deny to hold them in real life’s poetry
I just long for you to show me that you can see and understand
When I can’t communicate in words, that you can just “BE” with what I am
But you get angry and hurt, blaming and defending instead
“you don’t see me – and I don’t need to share what is in my head”
You try to fix me by telling me to be with what IS – find the strength to stay
But when my life is bleeding, on so many levels, you run away…
And I don’t need you to fix me or give me space – it just shows you don’t understand
what my heart longs for in a relationship with MAN
‘BE present’ is not the same as suppressing the ghosts from the past
REAL change happens when we are soft, loving and vast
You don’t seem to get that when my system broke
It was not just caused by the shock of you having a stroke!
Don’t let your own guilt tell me that I am stuck in a moment that has been!
It is the challenges of coping with everyone’s frustration that leave me struggling!
It is not either because I am ‘on a constant mission’ – your words, not mine!
BE present yourself, BE love and compassion – and I might feel fine!
You see, that is why I tell you that you don’t see me through
The moment is NOW and has nothing to do with you!
You are not the main character in the story of my life!
I am alone on my journey as me, a mother and wife!
I wish I could travel on that journey with you holding my hand
But how is that possible with my feelings being banned?
I do see the lights that we are, but don’t reject my shadow of reflection
It will not advance our love’s ecological succession
We are both playing the victim game when not being fully aware
That the support and love we long for is already here!
(This poem is a reply to another blogger’s poem “Be Present” and was created about 1.5 years back. Besides the eulogy to my father, It was the first poem written after a 20-year-old break in writing poetry, and just like my earliest creations, inspired by a very challenging time of my life).
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