The whole existence evaporated between the cracks Of the tattered and overheated shaky grounds Just by looking at him and how he silently reacts She could predict the explosions of vibrational sounds
She fell in between the cracks and pulled their future with her While his screams sealed the ground with her resistance Shaken to her core by just the slightest vibrational stir She couldn’t find her way back despite their child’s insistence
All she wanted was to escape from the blisters and burns The emotional lava had left on her body and mind Her eyes so scared it clouded what her heart so clearly yearns An ever-present peace -and joy of the true reality behind
In realising she was bruised , he showed his remorse and regret He never intended to shatter their souls with his vibrational sounds His being then offered a bride to a truth he never before had said Bringing hope and love back to life, despite living on shaky grounds
So much sadness inside my embodied being You have no idea the amount of pain I’m freeing And through this, you expect me to be social and free While emotional disturbances are eating the inside of me!
How can’t you see my well of bottomless despair That I am so broken beyond repair? You want me to contribute to a life of more than just surviving Don’t you see, it presupposes me being peaceful and thriving?
It’s like these traumatic times in the world of outside Resonates in my being, like I live through this vibe And in this, I try to find acceptance and peace That my life was never meant to be lived with ease
But it triggers me whenever you suggest I should be more When you can see, I can’t hardly raise myself up from the floor “You never do anything nice for me, and I always have to give” Is that your narrative of the life you want to live?
A victim game of who has the most unfulfilled expectation Is this truly how you want us to have a relation? Why can’t you accept we shouldn’t continue feeding this pain? Please, realise I only ask for your help so I won’t go insane!
It is so hard to live life on the edge of succeeding Caring for someone else’s need, who keeps your wounds bleeding When voices inside my head keep on saying: “you are not good enough” Makes it, when you also say it, excruciating tough!
Please know, I would prefer not to have these emotional reactions To be whole and grounded instead of split into fractions But life throughs me down these steep hills of depression So instead of moving forward, I go into regression!
Trust me, I don’t mean to blame you or say you are wrong And I don’t mean to ask for strength when you’re not feeling strong But please stop your stories of me and of how I should be And accept my bounded life despite yours being free!
Accept my heavy sadness covering my bliss and being And trust that I am more than what your eyes are seeing Please stop your projections, reactions and constraint Life is so much bigger than these dark colours we paint!
Hit by your nagging and disturbed perception So what if there is a little mess, some crumbs on the table? Some bowls which need cleaning, a messy cable? Our home is not a sterile doctor’s reception
We get so bruised by your OCD anxiety attack Your irritation and anger fuel the air with a toxic smoke You force us to close the windows, to prepare for a stroke When I want out, you overrule me, and you force me right back
It is so overpowering, so destructive in its essence It saddens me you only see the dirt and messy living Instead of all the love and beauty, we are giving How many ‘meltdowns’ before you’ve learned your lesson?
I have had it with your small-mindedness and your dilution What you give your energy to is just so small seen from our true state In this world of wonder, you only on the breadcrumbs fixate I wish you could laugh at yourself and your unconscious confusion
May your uneasy mind find rest from this unnecessary evil And may all the mess and breadcrumbs of this life manifested Bring transformation and peace to your mind so infested Crumbs or people, we are your teachers; embrace the upheaval!
So, this is how we communicate now? On public forums as the place? It is so easy, isn’t it? When in real life, you show a totally different face!
Your beautiful words, “I see you, I love you”, turn into a comedy when in real life, you can’t handle my vulnerability!
Despite accepting that what has happened has been a shock You tell me to get over it – to suck it up!
“Get over yourself – being alone with the kids was hard on me too” Is this now a competition? Is this how you want me to meet you?
Yes, it was hard- your brain clearly showed you couldn’t handle the strain But in scolding me for sharing my heart – what are you trying to gain?
Seeing you become defensive and judgmental to the bone when being vulnerable myself makes my heart small and turn into stone!
When sharing with you my fantasies of being alone or running away it is only ‘course I long for you to hold me and say that things will be okay
You can’t force my feelings away with anger or spiritual dissonancy They persist as long as you deny to hold them in real life’s poetry
I just long for you to show me that you can see and understand When I can’t communicate in words, that you can just “BE” with what I am
But you get angry and hurt, blaming and defending instead “you don’t see me – and I don’t need to share what is in my head”
You try to fix me by telling me to be with what IS – find the strength to stay But when my life is bleeding, on so many levels, you run away…
And I don’t need you to fix me or give me space – it just shows you don’t understand what my heart longs for in a relationship with MAN
‘BE present’ is not the same as suppressing the ghosts from the past REAL change happens when we are soft, loving and vast
You don’t seem to get that when my system broke It was not just caused by the shock of you having a stroke!
Don’t let your own guilt tell me that I am stuck in a moment that has been! It is the challenges of coping with everyone’s frustration that leave me struggling!
It is not either because I am ‘on a constant mission’ – your words, not mine! BE present yourself, BE love and compassion – and I might feel fine!
You see, that is why I tell you that you don’t see me through The moment is NOW and has nothing to do with you!
You are not the main character in the story of my life! I am alone on my journey as me, a mother and wife!
I wish I could travel on that journey with you holding my hand But how is that possible with my feelings being banned?
I do see the lights that we are, but don’t reject my shadow of reflection It will not advance our love’s ecological succession
We are both playing the victim game when not being fully aware That the support and love we long for is already here!
(This poem is a reply to another blogger’s poem “Be Present” and was created about 1.5 years back. Besides the eulogy to my father, It was the first poem written after a 20-year-old break in writing poetry, and just like my earliest creations, inspired by a very challenging time of my life).
A eulogy to my father. This December it is now ten years ago my father committed suicide by hanging. This poem/ video tribute was my way of processing the pain, as well as sending my love and goodbye to him; A goodbye his sudden death never gave me a chance to say.